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And I'm back!

2005-08-30T04:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a while but I have returned to my online winge page. Actually this, I expect, will be a fairly cheerful entry since it's been a pretty cool time just recently. I went on holiday (pictures on bob's bnj site) which was about the most relaxing thing I've ever done. I think not taking a proper holiday for about 5 years prior to this was the real reason I enjoyed it so much. Camping in Dorset. Now that was cool. Met some lovely new people and spent a load of time with some lovely people I've known a long time. Then straight from holiday onto Gordon's stag do which was cool. Quad biking rocks! (Especially when it's very muddy!) Then after getting caked in mud James took us around the pubs and bars of leicester which was fun. No one got too hammered exept maybe young Alex who was still trying to prove his worth as a student! Even Gordon was being careful, despite James' best efforts! Then on to very cool club. I was painfully out of my depth as I've never had a very strong affiliation with the harder side of rock! I lept onto the dancefloor for some Greenday and a bit of Chilli Peppers but apart from that I barely knew a single song. Anyway, Gordon was dancing like a loonatic so I guess that makes it a success! He even wore the dress I bought in Asda that morning after some persuation from a very drunk girl in a chip shop on her hen night. (Again, bob is the man for pictures!)

Then back to the grind, although I don't seem to have worked as much as usual on account of summer being quiet with everyone in Edinborough for the festival. This is also compounded by my new life mantra which is "It doesn't matter what you do for fun, as long as you find time to do it and people to do it with" which translates into "Make sure I see my friends on a reasonably regular basis". So if you've found me socially lacking in recent years then feel free to tell me and I'll make some time...I promise! Life is much better with mates around.

Then finally came Gordon and Lesley's actual wedding. Now that was a good day. I was Gordon's best man if you didn't know. A job I enjoyed very much. You see I run shows for a living and that's all it is. Those two know how they feel about each other and the ceremony itself doesn't change their feeling for each other. It's just a public declaration and celebration (and chance for a party!). So I was just stage managing their wedding. I think it was James who pointed out that it suited me very well because I could be the centre of attention without actually making any commitments to anyone. Very astute Mr. Fearnley.

My speech went to plan. Lesley's Grandfather even suggested I look into being a Toast Master as a proffession. Unfortunately you have to wear a suit all the time and I have a moral code about that. Suits are the devil's work. Of that I'm sure.

Having said that I looked damn good on Saturday!

Then free tickets to "get loaded in the park" on Clapham Common where I had a few too many beers and an industrial quantity of one or two other bits and pieces. My housemate had to peel me of our living room floor at midday today cos people were coming round. Then I staggered to the park and had a few beers round the lake. Perfect. Beer, sun and some good friends. That's all I really want out of life. (In fact, I'm a theatre technician, no need for sunlight! Just beer and mates...and food of course) By the way it turns out I'm not a Happy Mondays fan. They sucked and we left early! Andy and I had a lovely steak in the west end with a glass of wine. See...again...food, conversation, (booze) and all is good!

I'll update soon...promise!

18+ Only!

2005-07-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

Gill! Your blog says you're 15! You can't read my blog. It's rude...look:

A penis walks into a bar
Bouncer says, "you can't come in, it's a private function"
Penis says, "It's ok...I'm a member!"

You see. Not suitable for minors!

X

Another suitcase in another hall...

2005-07-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

Well it's time I was moving on again. This time I'm hoping to stay a bit longer in one place...at least a year! So a week on friday I move back to sunny Cockfosters where I first lived when I moved to London way back in 1999. I'm gonna live with a couple of old uni mates and the house is just a few doors down from where my girlfriend at uni used to live. All in all it feels like very familiar territory. I'll also be just that bit closer to crazy old Luton without actually ever moving back there! Then there are the hoards of impressionable students...woo!

Short post today. Someone beautiful just came in and I must give them my full attention. Need a strong finish...

...no...too beautiful...have to go...x

Beerless Party...?

2005-07-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've been to a party with no alcohol. Even longer since I've been to a party with no alcohol and enjoyed myself. Still not convinced about Barn Dancing as a form of entertainment but it was what my sister wanted and so was the lack of booze. She got what she wanted and most importantly she got her man. My Dad's speach was cool. Easy to forget what my parents went through when my sister was born and how incredible it is that El's alive, let alone married!

A pleasure as always to play with the Taxi Band. The set had some ropey moments but considering the last time we played together was Gill's wedding I don't think we did too bad. Ed can still play the guitar like he's ringing a bell and Jeff has become a monster. He was always damn good but now he's starting to believe it himself and it sounds even better. Andy's sound engineering makes things easier of course. I like a sound man that notices you're singing flat and turns your monitor up to stop you pushing your voice. The only real issue was my ability to pitch the notes at the beginning of songs! I enjoy my job and I'm not too bad at it but I never feel so at home as when I'm on stage. It's an ego thing I think. But then I am brilliant.

My eldest brother and his wife hadn't heard us before and they seemed to like it so that was good. But it was seeing my young nephew Joseph giving it large that made the evening. Almost makes me want kids. Almost. I think I'll just focus on the corruption of my brother's kids! You know, widen their horizons...and turn them into rock stars!

All in all it was a good day. I was so happy for El that I barely managed any self pity. Which was nice.

I turned 26 a couple of hours ago. Feeling a little on the old side these days. I've been sat here for an hour now and I'm not sure if my knees have seized up! My housemates are helping me celebrate my birthday tonight and I can assure you it will be a more traditional, alcohol fueled affair. I imagine I'll get pissed and text most of you with "Woo!" at some point so that's something to look forward to. Night. X

ding dong

2005-07-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

It's 4am. My little sister will be married in just over 12 hours. How weird is that? I should go to bed really but I've just got in from work and only now is it sinking in that she's getting hitched...later today! Life's a funny thing. I'm now the only single one out of my siblings yet I've discussed marraige (not always very seriously) with four seperate women. A little too ironic, don't you think? It's like rain....

Anyway, there's nothing like a good wedding to make you feel single. Sometimes painfully single. I'll let you know how the "you'll be next" tally builds up. Relatives have a habit of stamping on raw nerves. Especially when they're trying to be sympathetic! Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be more happy for El. It's just a strange feeling. I'm still not sure whether I'm relieved not to be tied down or depressed to be on my own. It's a well known fact that you get more interest from other women when you're with someone than when you're not. I've had a certain amount of fun in the last few months that a man in a relationship can't, or at least, shouldn't have. Deep down I wonder if I'm more suited to the single life. I do get bored easily. A new 'special friend' every week? Could work. Send photos and a CV to...

Sorry to anyone who checks my page for jokes. Try telling that down the pub! Someone told me the other day that I should get a girlfriend because I suited having a girlfriend. I wondered if she was saying that I need someone beautiful next to me to balance me out for the sake of onlookers. Or whether she just thought I was the kind of guy that liked having domestics in Tescos. Or (more likely) feels safer when she knows someone, at some point, is gonna make me leave her house. At the very least it would stop me inflicting my winging on the unsuspecting surfing community.

Thank you to anyone still reading this far down. I shall go to bed now and when I wake it'll be party time. Hey ho. Si...X

Spoke too soon

2005-07-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

I spoke to soon. There's a bit of perspective for you. I spend Wednesday going on about it being a weird week then Thursday morning makes me look like a bit of a winger.

Now London being London most of us got back on the tubes today although i caught myself stopping to take a deep breath before going down the steps. My usual route to work is a crime scene; every bus that goes past you get a mental image of the one in Tavistock; the previous thursday I was in that tunnel, at that time. We're all talking about 'going on as normal' but it's hard.

There was no comedy show on thursday night of course. Not least because I couldn't get there! We did a show tonight but no late show. It was good. Stand-up is a funny thing. Clearly most of the audience bought their tickets before thursday and it was more of the "Fuck 'em" attitude that made people refuse to cancel. There was tumbleweed when the compere welcomed the audience to Londons only licensed bomb sheltered. However his next sentence, "The French are even worse losers than we thought" was met with the biggest (most relieved) laugh of the night. From then on it was a normal night. I did take the executive decision not to end the show with the usual 'Jam' track " Going Underground", but I'm not really sure why now.

Then the conversation always turns to this: these people (that wasn't the word we used) attacked a city of 10,000,000 people at rush hour and killed 50. Now that's 50 too many but nothing like Madrid or New York, or even Bali. Was it a cock-up? Is it a new disruption tactic? (Surely they've seen that our own tube drivers do that to us at least twice a year. I already have a standard route for when the Picadilly line is buggered) The bombers don't seem to have given their lives for this one. So what's really worrying is that the evidence suggests that this might just be stage one. The Police said there was no warning. What if this was the warning?

That said, for once in my life I agree with Tony. We won't be cowed. No one with that kind of calling card deserves any political recognition and I won't change my way of life
because of them.

Tommorrow night I'm going on a friend's stag party. We're gonna drink a lot and then go to a lap dance club. It's gonna be fun. I'll let you know how it went! (Mmmm...ideas!)

Where the streets have no names...

2005-07-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

Well it's been an eventful week and a bit. Good, bad and downright weird! Here we go...

In 2003 I did the lighting for a Badly Drawn Boy concert that he himself described as the gig of his life. It was just him and his guitar and he performed for 2 hours longer than we expected. He told personal stories about the songs he sang and twice he was in full faced tears. That was a good gig. I was there when Counting Crows played their first big UK gig. 70,000 went mental to the opening riff of 'Round Here'. That too was a good gig.

However, last Wednesday, I saw a rock show that blew my socks off. U2 live at the Millenium Stadium in Cardiff. Now those boys know how to put on a show! There is something about hearing songs like 'With or Without You' and 'Still Haven't Found' sung by the bloke who wrote them when he's only about 100 yards away from me. A semi-spiritual experience indeed.

At the other end of the showbiz spectrum, yesterday I was in Ipswich producing a show. In Ipswich maps are useless for one simple reason...the streets have no names. At least very few discernable signs to let you know which street you're on. The gig itself went well but sometimes you wonder when the bigger and better stuff is gonna happen...not a bad show, just not a mighty rock extravaganza!

Then there was the party. A pretty impressive Luton turnout. Especially considering six guys who live about a mile away couldn't be arsed to come. On a similar note special mention goes out to the mighty Jeff 'Globe Trotter' Pullinger who came from Scotland for the day! There was a certain amount of craziness and a fair bit of drinking and my shorts only came off once in public! In a nutshell a good time was had by all. Especially me. (Some people did turn out to be evil...no names.)

Hello Part 2

2005-06-22T18:31:00.000-07:00

I'll start by saying that anyone who is thinking that this is the first thing I've written here in ages hasn't read the the entry below...so go read it....

What did you think? Note number two: if you know me (or you're blindingly attractive) then you should come to my party on the 2nd of July. Get in touch and I'll tell you where and how to get there. It's an early birthday party for me, proper birthday party for my lovely housemate and a house cooling cos we're leaving at the end of July (see previous blog entry). It is also my secret plan to scupper Bob Geldoff's plans for Live 8! Our party is gonna be so cool and popular that no one will go to that silly little concert. Except Bono. But then he's at everything. In actual fact, having tickets for Live 8 is the only truly valid reason not to come to what promises to be one of the great knees-ups of the year. (Bring your debauchery shoes, it could get messy!)

"On the chest of a barmaid from Yale
Were tatooed all the prices of ale.
Whilst on her behind, for the sake of the blind
Was exactly the same but in braile!"

Thankyou. The old ones are the best. At least that's what I tell myself when I pull at the bingo! Boom, boom! That was shit. Sorry. I'll do better next time.

I have now a lovely new digital camera but all attempts to transfer my ugly mug from my computer onto that site have failed...help!

Right. I'm gonna finish these beers, watch another couple of 'family guy' episodes and then go to bed. Or not. I'll let you know.... BYE. X

hello!

2005-06-19T04:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been away for a while and i apologise to anyone who has been losing precious moments of their short lives checking my blog only to find that the lazy bugger hasn't written anything new! (Now that's a long sentence) So, whilst this is by no means a promise to make this a regular occurance, i'm gonna try.

It's been work, work and more work recently (for a change) and jack has been a very dull boy. I've finished this tour I've been on but I'm cheered by the promise that we have to get back on the road to promote the newly recorded DVD. Look out for my (real) name on the credits. Available in September from all good retailers. This of course means I'll spend what looks like a sticky summer in the the big smoke and then as soon as winter comes I'll head north. All offers of warm clothing greatly appreciated.

One of my few diversions from the world of comedy is my less than hilarious ability to move into houses just before everone else decides to bugger off. It occured to me that I haven't spent more than eight months in one abode since 2001! Ladies, if you're looking for a settled, secure kind of guy...by me a house.

Then there's Gordon's wedding to hijack...er...sorry, get involved in. I feel some pressure to have everyone in stitches in my speech. (I'm the best man. I'm not just one of those crazies who stands up at the bit when they ask, "...if anyone knows...". Although... *makes a note* could be funny. Thought about making a hall of fame? You know big, framed pictures of both their ex's lined up on the pillars of the church. Na. It would only start an argument about who had the most. Then there's all the issues with my agent about non-commissioned pictures of me in public. So...no. As for the speech, I'm sure I'll think of something. Soon. Honest.

Well that's the longest blog I've ever written. Ironic since there's a strong chance no sod checks this anymore and I'm basically writing into the abiss!!!

No jokes this time. Gonna wait to see if anyone reads this first....

Luv Ya All - Si. x

Sorry!!!!!

2005-04-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

I felt I had nailed my colours to the mast early on. On my blog will be Jokes that I recently found funny. Not my jokes. Other people's. Are we clear?

But just to relieve the boredom.... no, can't think of anything. I don't seem to have a life outside of the comedy microcosm. I remember when I didn't work for a living at all and now I don't do anything apart from work. Oh how our lives have changed. back in a bit.....

Grrrr

2005-04-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

Make comments damn you....... I need to feel loved!

Coolangatta!

2005-04-13T14:39:00.001-07:00

i just spent 20 minutes writing for this thing and when i pressed publish it said there were errors. It's lost. no one will ever read those intimate thoughts!

Coolangatta!

2005-04-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

Every morning for the last week there has been a german shepherd taking a dump on my front garden. This morning the cheeky git brought his dog!

Been a way for a while but now I'm back for a while. Such Karma! My life is a bit silly at the moment. I'm either in a different town every day or i'm permanently underground in the same bunker everyday for the whole of daylight hours. If i have a sleep in someone from the Theatre Royal in the arse end of nowhere feels the need to call my mobile at 9am to check what is meant by the phrase "vegetarian snacks". Which brings me to the fact that I am surrounded by people who refuse to endorse the killing of living creatures (particularly those with faces or at least nerves) in order to provide them with dinner. Maybe I'm just easily manipulated ( more than 50% of the 6 people I'm refering to are attractive ladies) but I'm starting to get a little bit squeemish when it comes to raw meat and stuff. Am I turning into a vegetarian? I'd f*****g better not be. I've just had the most lovely chicken kievs!

So, as they say, variety is the spice of life. However, some days you just don't fancy anything spicey.

No one is indispensable. Except maybe night porters in posh hotels and those lovely people from the AA.

And finally...

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm there?

Getting your genitals caught in your flies. Anyone who said "finding half a worm" clearly hasn't had that experience!

So Stimulating

2005-03-22T15:47:00.000-08:00

Always a pleasure to spark such riviting conversation. I'm currently struggling to think of a new subject that might capture the imagination of my faithful blog checkers. Er...any requests?
Off to wales on thursday. Should be a laugh. In the valleys and all that.

Right. I've been holding off but here we go. It's rude joke time.

What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip

There. I said it. Also, is sodomy illegal? If so why?

Plagerism

2005-03-21T02:15:00.000-08:00

Not entirely sure if that's the correct spelling but I know what it means. It's when you pass off other peoples material as your own. Say, for example, you were reading a circular email about, ooh, being a bloke and you decided to transfer it to your blog. That sort of thing. Just thought I'd mention it. Talking of which here's a joke that I might have written:

There was a young man from Japan
Who's limericks never did scan
Everything was fine
Until the last line
Which always seemed to have too many syllables in it!

That's old as the hills. Sorry. And now for something a little darker:

I had a friend who's grandmother died very peacefully in her sleep. One day she just sat down in a chair, closed her eyes and never woke up. Mind you, it scared the shit out of the dentist.

One chicken says to another, "I'm gonna cross the road". The other replies, "Don't, we'll never hear the end of it!"

Oh yeah and Bridlington smells of rotting sharks and so does Manchester Arndale centre!!!

qickie

2005-03-20T15:40:00.000-08:00

I've just worked out how to allow people without blogs to make comments. Now everyone can insult me whenever they like.

On Tour

2005-03-18T02:30:00.000-08:00

Well my romanticised notion of swanning around the country has crashed down to earth. Let's just say it's hardly rock'n'roll. Lovely hotels...yes. Prestigious venues...mostly. Crazy after-show drinking binges? none. nada. not a sausage. (Except on my own from the mini bar in the hotel room!)
For northerners they are real southern jessies. £80 a night hotel rooms and i haven't persuaded anyone back to mine yet. Rubbish.

Still, i'm getting paid. Personal tour song has become 'Keiser Chiefs' Oh my God I can't believe it, I've never been this far away from home! Which isn't strictly true but in some of these places...

Truth: The only time a man wants to have sex twice is just before he's had it once.

More to follow...

My Obsession

2005-03-02T13:40:00.000-08:00

My name is Simon and I'm a cheese-aholic. I have cheese on everything, with everything and sometimes before and after everything. Yesterday I spent £11 on cheese in tesco. Five different types: Double Gloucester, Brie, Borsin, cheddar and fresh, juicy, moist mozzarella. Mmmmmm! Help me someone. I'm afraid!

Handbags!!!

2005-02-25T18:03:00.000-08:00

There has been some suggestion that I don't update this often enough. Well newsflash... I have a life outside of the cyber world. Admittedly not a very interesting one hence I don't have much to write about!

Spent a very enjoyable night in sunny Luton today. Ok, it wasn't sunny but I miss those guys.

I'm off on tour next Wednesday so hopefully I'll have some stories of debauchery "on the road" to tell you. In the mean time you'll have to make do with my stories about road rage.

Today I left London to go to Luton at 12:30pm. The journey, even on a bad day, takes 1 hour. This particular excursion took nearly 4 hours! For some reason the powers that be decided that, even though the road works were not due to start till tomorrow, they would close all but one lane of the northbound A1! Even when a large "incident" took place halfway down the restricted area the moronic doughnuts in charge still couldn't see the obvious solution of opening another section of road! Consiquentially I missed lunch with my friend and got very, very annoyed.

It's lucky I'm not gonna spend the next three months driving on Britain's glorious roads. Oh wait...

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Ah, leave it. We move out next June!"

Ooh Pressure!

2005-02-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

People read this. Who knew? I've spent more time in front of this computer in the last two weeks than I have in the whole of the rest of my life up until this point! Maybe they're not so evil after all. Which reminds me...

Why did the clown fall off his bike?
Because he was hit in the face with a shovel. Obviously.

I know some people will be offended by this but (guess what i'm watching now) not every South Park episode is funny. Some are hilarious but there's just no consistency. Especially the later episodes.

Well it's 3:05 in the morning so only 25 minutes till Family Guy. Strange how watching professional comedians for a living makes you appreciate the slightly more silly end of the comedy market.

Have you ever noticed that 'Knob' is 'Bonk' backwards.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

2005-02-16T05:20:00.000-08:00

Well here I am at that glorious time of day when it all seems to make so much sense because there's no one around to ruin my delicate little thought processes! Sometimes I wish I had someone to share this time with, but mostly I like it just like this. That sounds pathetic. Here's some of my new faves from the world of The Funnies...

"Keep Britain Tidy" ...chop off Norfolk and Cornwall!

and here's a bute

Man1: Hello stranger!
Man2: Do I know you?
Man1: No. That's why I called you stranger.

They're not the cream of the crop but there are laws about puplishing other peoples work so i've nicked some medium pacers! Back soon.

My new favourite joke

2005-02-05T20:05:00.000-08:00

There are few advantages to the work that i do (for the un-initiated i work for a comedy production company) but joke stealing is a privelage that i demand. By way of an information release valve i'm gonna start dropping one or two of my favourites here...

Rock-a-by-baby on the tree top
When the wind blows the cradle will rock
When the bow breaks the cradle will fall...
Perhaps fostering isn't for you after all!

2005-02-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

The hours between midnight and 5am continue to be the best of the day. Prime time tv scares me and makes me feel cheap inside.